Long Time, No Blog!!!

No, I didn't throw myself over a cliff or drive my car into the side of building! I have just been.. well, practicing what I call the The Avoidance Technique. This entails not thinking about fertility -um, actually infertility -, IVF, babies, wasted money & overwrought emotions, blah blah blah. I'm pleased to say "so far, so good"! I realize this is probably not the most healthy way of coping (Lord knows I've been to enough therapy to understand at least that), but hey, gotta do what I gotta do to survive. And if I were to blog, that means I have to think about how my life - and Stark's - is changing. No fun in that! It's only now that I'm far enough removed from that awful (is there even a word to describe it?) day that I can type the words....

We will not be having biological children. In addition, we will not be parenting anyone else's children, embryos, etc. There are several factors impacting those two statements.

$$$$ - I've had the "money shouldn't matter when it comes to having a child" talk with myself. While this is a pretty philosophy, it's not realistic. I'm already freaking over the debt we've incurred. Don't even get me started on how we've spent so many benjamins with nothing to show for it. (This is where the Avoidance Technique really comes in handy)

Donor Eggs - Let's say for shits & giggles, I win the lottery. Odds are my eggs are just plain old & not going to produce anything other than false hope. In fact, when Nancy mentioned having the WTF appt with the Dr., I never answered. Why? Because she admitted she'd probably have THE talk.. i.e., donor eggs. No thank you very much. I'm not going to defend my position on this subject. I admire women who pursue this path.

Side note: when Nancy called to give me the 2nd beta, she told me to call if I hadn't gotten my period the next Monday. I got it Sunday, but she didn't know that & she never followed up with me. She also told me I'd have to go in for another blood test to ensure my HCG dropped. Yeh f'n right. Was sooooooooo not going to happen. Anyway, I never called & she never followed up with me. F.U.

Natural Conception - yes, this is a remote possibility. However, when I say remote, I mean I have a better chance of sleeping with Vin.ce Vau.ghn. *sigh* I have one ovary & one tube, but said tube is discombobulated. Ironically, if I did become pregnant this way, it'd probably end up eptopic. Funny story - my RE told me to use birth control to prevent this. Hilarious, huh?

Adoption - Let's say for shits & giggles I win the lottery. Nevermind, I'm not going to win. If I can't beat the odds on IVF (20%), there is no way in hell I'm beating the odds on Me.ga Mill.ions (1 in 50 kabillion).

It hurts like hell (when I slip & think about it). I could write a novel about the unfairness, about how I'll never decorate a nursery, about never pass on my chubby cheeks & Stark's fuzzy eyebrows, about how my parents will never have a grandchild, about being a good person & feeling like I don't deserve this, about how God is supposed to be so good, etc etc etc. But what does that really do for me? It won't change anything. In fact, it enables me to wallow & sit at the top of a slippery slope. I simply can not function like that - I would drown in myself.

My best friend has a really good friend our age who has been diagnosed with A.L.S. In just a year, she went from dancing & living the good life to getting around on a scooter, knowing she will mostly like die within 3 years. Soon she will have to make decisions - like does she want to be put on life support when she can no longer breathe on her own? How does she ensure her two young daughters will remember her? Which way will she die - choking on food or suffocating? I know we all have our own pain & we can't compare. But when I think about her situation, it gives me perspective. I would rather be alive & healthy without children. I've read blogs where the writers don't want to live if they can't have kids. That is not me. I realized I am lucky in some ways: 1 - I'm older so most of my friends have already had children so I don't have many baby announcements or showers to fret over. Also, my circle of friends is very small, further reducing those situations. 2 - I'm almost 40 so I have to face the fact time is not on my side. I know there are tons of women over 40 trying to have kids & I hope they are successful. However, my eggs are in the A.A.R.P. If I was younger & had to go through my 20s/30s knowing I could not have biological children, I'd probably have to be admitted to the mental hospital. 3 - My best friend has two children (boy 7 yrs & girl 3 yrs) who are my rays of sunshine. She'll tell you that I'm their second mother & they're closer to me than any of their extended family. I view them not as what I don't have, but instead what I do have. The way they love me makes my heart overflow.

I'm not naive. Days will be forthcoming where I don't want to get out of bed & I can't stop crying, I'm sure. There will be times where I want to curl up & rock back and forth in a corner. But as of right now, I am o.k.

All I know for sure is losing mom has been much much much much harder than this. And I'm still alive.

Too Good to Be True

Same post title from the other day, different post topic.

I am no longer pregnant. My 2nd beta today was only 21.

I want to keep taking the meds, just in case there's a chance. I guess that's called denial.

My heart is shattered. The only other hurt I've felt this deeply is when my mom died five years ago. So she is not here to make it better.

Beta #1 - Details

Thanks for your congrats & well wishes! It's already been a roller coaster of a night so grab a beverage & read on....

My beta was scheduled for this morning. I had every intention of PingOAS over the weekend, just wasn't sure when. Stark & I talked about it and decided not to do it Saturday as we were going out of town for the night - don't want a BFN ruining that. We decided we would do it Sunday afternoon when we got home. Well, the Packers were playing at 4pm so it would need to be after the game - don't want a BFN ruining it. As mentioned in my previous post, there were many clusterf*cks that happened, not the least of which was I forgot my PIO needles for the Sat. night shot. Had to call the RE emergency #, nurse called back & said to call pharmacy - if they won't give me needles I'll have to drive home, called c.v.s. & yes, they had needles. Side note: it amazes me I can just walk into that store & purchase needles (for a whopping $.19 no less) ... I guess I'll know where to shop if I pick up a her.oin addiction. Anywho, as we're about to pull out of the driveway our friend's house, we notice I have a flat tire. Long story short I bought a new tire, but by the time we got home it was almost 8pm. I was in no mood whatsoever to add a BFN to my weekend plus I knew I'd never get to sleep plus I wanted to stay in fantasy land.

When I woke up at 6am this morning, I was very tempted to POAS. However, before we went to bed last night, Stark & I agreed to forego home testing so I felt guilty going against that. Yes, I'm thoughtful like that. It was all set: I do the blood test at the RE's office, ask Nancy to call my cell phone & leave message then we would listen to it together after we got off work. At approx. 9:15am they drew my blood & at approx. 12:30pm Nancy called. OMG did my heart race! I ignored the call then a couple of minutes later I heard the 'message' waiting tone. I tried to infer whether it was good or bad based on the time it took to stop ringing to hearing that tone. Texted Stark. Emailed my BFF. Worked a lot. Did everything possible to keep my mind occupied. Picked Stark up from work at 5:30; got home at 6:15. We laid on the bed, held hands & finally played the message.

"Hi ___ and ___, this is Nancy. I am calling you on November 2, 2009 to let you know that your test came back positive. Your beta is 49.5 & we want to see it over 30 at this point so you're above that! Please come back Wednesday for another beta & continue all medications".... and so on. We literally could NOT believe it - we still don't. I am floored because I do not have even one symptom! We just stared each other. We kissed. We affirmed our love for each other. We laughed. We talked about this is not a sure thing, but we will savor today. We will try to be as positive as possible & not take any of this for granted.

So that was 5 hrs ago. And here comes my enemy --- worry. After consulting with goog.le & reading many blogs with BFPs, 49.5 seems to be a very low beta, especially for 15 DPO. I am craving a stiff drink & a fat cigarette. I had 1 HPT from the $ store. It shows the faintest of a second line. *%#&!!!!! I put on a bra & headed to wallymart within five seconds. I bought 2 EPTs & 2 Clear.blue digitals. I did not have to pee, but forced as much as I could & tore open one of the EPTs. A second line did show up, but it wasn't immediate & it's not very dark. I doubt it would be visible in a picture. I am really trying not to freak & just trust Nancy. I need to step away from the internet. I have to enjoy this very minute because I can't control what happens. Ok, it's a celebration! Let happiness ensue... throw the confetti...draw the rainbows.. kiss some puppies!!!

Today is the best day of my life. I am a mother.

10dp5dt - Too Good to Be True

I don't know how I'm able to type. My face is flushed, my fingers are shaky & my eyes are swollen from the tears because...

I AM PREGNANT

We are living in the moment so as of right now, all I am thinking is I have our baby growing inside of me. This is very, very, very, very surreal. I will post the details about how & when we found out later, i.e., when I can comprehend any of this.

Someone pinch me! Um, just not on the bum as it is hurting with the PIO shots.

9dp5dt - Humble Pie

How can I even begin to explain how much your comments mean to me? I read every single one & find it incredible that you make time & effort to write to me. (I want to reply individually, but not sure if I should respond in my own comments, on my blog or on your blog - would you go back to your last post & check for comments?) Some of you have been with me from the beginning & some of you seemed to have recently joined my journey - I feel very lucky to have each of you on my side. I am just so overwhelmed with everyone's support & encouragement --- I never ever imagined when I started this blog that you, my sisters, would sustain me. It sounds so trite & simplistic, but THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart !!!

My beta is soon - we are all too familiar with the timeline, right? *sigh* As soon we get the results & process the outcome, I promise to post. I had every intention of PingOAS today, but I surprised myself & chickened out. As long as I don't test, I can pretend I'm pregnant! Plus today has been nothing but a series of clusterf*cks since we woke up & we didn't want the cherry on top to be a BFN. So for the time being, ignorance is bliss. :)

7dp5dt - Fading Fast

No symptoms. Not a one. I had a tinge of pink on the toilet paper yesterday - maybe that was implementation? If so, it was late & that can't be good; in fact, the same thing happened at this point last time & look how that turned out. All of this is deja f'n vu. I goo.gle to find blogs that have a bfp with no symptoms & yes, they exist. I just can't believe I would be so lucky to fall into that category.

I am getting tired.

My hopes & dreams of having a biological child are fading fast.

Death by Chocolate?

I just heard chocolate has caffeine? Exsqueeze me? I guess I should have know this, but I just didn't. I've been eating chocolate ice cream & chocolate chip cookies before & during this 2WW. OMG - have I killed our embies? I am FREAKING the F out.

3dp5t - Scared

Not of ghosts or goblins as we approach Halloween, but of the dreaded IVF #2 fail possibility. My zen from transfer day? Adios muchacho - he has left the building! So long. Sayanora! I have no symptoms or signs, no nothing. Yes, I know it's early. Yes, I know millions of women never have any at all. I know I know I know I know I know I know.

I'm flying to Dal.las tomorrow for work, returning on Friday. This is the first time I will meet many folks on my team that I've been working with for 2 years! My favorite perk? Good steaks on the company dime. Anywho, this little trip should help pass the time. I anticipate my mind being occupied with worry about crashing from the sky - or my embies being dislodged from a rocky take-off/landing, lame ice breakers, inane chit chat (but hopefully a lot of laughs - i really do like most of my co-workers) and of course, boring meetings about accomplishments & goals. Gotta love corporate America!

Now I just have to learn how to give myself the PIO injection in da bum - Stark & I are going to try tonight. I am pretty flexible, but not sure I can actually pull this off. Well, I don't really have a choice .. unless I want to ask one of my co-workers. Seriously, can you even f'n imagine?

Day 20 - Welcome Home

As of 11:22 this morning, I have triplets floating around in my uterus. The tech (or was she a nurse?) was amazing. She was very patient, nice & motherly. I had brought pictures - 2 of me & Stark, 1 of my mom & 1 of me with my two best friends. She thought that was so sweet & handed them to me as I lay there half naked waiting on Dr. ML & Dr. N (the embie dr.). All of a sudden a picture popped on tv screen - there were our 3 babies. My heart was full. I asked my mom & both sets of grandparents in heaven to wrap their arms around me. My heart overflowed. Tears streamed down the sides of my eyes as I tried to hold it together. This time was so very different last time. To put it simply, this time I was much more serene while last time I was a bundle of nerves. The entire experience today was of comfort.

Dr. N came in to discuss everything. He said they are blastocysts & just like he likes to see them at this point; he even used the word "excellent". And what do I say? "Thanks, but I heard that last time". He was speechless for a second & asked about how many to transfer. Without hesitation, I said "all of them".
FYI - embie #4 is a day behind and embie #5 is 2 days behind. He will check on them tomorrow & freeze either or both if at all possible. I'm not holding my breath - and that makes me a little sad.

Finally Dr. ML comes in & she comments about great they look. I couldn't resist so I respond with "yeh, that's what you said last time". I guess I just wanted everyone to know that it's not always best to tell the patient what she wants to hear; well, at least not me. Anywho, she asks about transfer & agrees with my decision. (This actually kind of scares me b/c if they were all so great, why not only transfer 2? *slaps self*). While waiting for the embies to make their arrival I got to ask her several questions:
* Why heparin instead of lovenox? Heparin is cheaper & they do the same thing. I can change to the other if I want.
* Can I continue taking baby aspirin? Yes, but only one & if I start spotting, stop.
* What about Prednisone? (we had discussed it at my wtf appt) "Aren't you on it"? Um, NOOOO! I get a little panicky & ask if I should have been on it before now? She said no ever so nonchalantly; transfer day is perfect to start it.

I assume the position & Dr. N brings in the the catheter. I watch the monitor & next thing you know, amazing nurse is asking if I see the white line? *squints eyes* Nope. She actually uses an arrow to point out the area. "There is where your embryos are!" Dr. ML gushes about how great everything looks, yadda yadda yadda. It took everything I had not to make a snarky comeback, i.e., "talk to me in 2 weeks".

On the way to the car, I texted Stark. He calls as soon as he can & we hug over the phone. My best friend texts me - she has such a sixth sense.. her timing is always right on. I'm a lucky lucky gal.

I know it's only been .. oh.. about 4 hours since the transfer, but I'm not even thinking about the 2WW. Honestly, I am reveling in having our three babies - 1/2 me, 1/2 Stark, inside me. I want to savor it, never let it go. These days are what I want to look back on & remember if this cycle results in a negative. So the longer I wait to test & not worry about the beta, the more I can enjoy being PUPO!

Day 19 - Transfer Eve

I'm sort of in a daze, almost denial. I can't believe I'm scheduled for tomorrow at 11am - that's a 5 day transfer. Of course, that doesn't guarantee anything, but I am grasping at anything that might help! I asked the nurse (Nancy was out today) if there's still a chance the five embies won't make it & she said it's unlikely - they usually don't schedule you unless they're fairly certain it's going to happen. Oh please let them survive!

I talk my babies - tell them to hold on b/c they will be home soon. I am very attached to them; more so than the first time. I think about how Stark & I have already conceived. We have embryos sharing our DNA & no matter what happens, that can never be taken away from us. I am in complete awe, but humble. I am anxious, but calm. I am scared, but relieved. I am overwhelmed, but peaceful. I am desperate to be a mother, but I am still a whole woman if I'm not.

Day 18 - PGD

Today is 3 days past ER. It's also the day Stark & I had to make the decision whether or not to approve PGD (PreImplementation Genetic Diagnosis) for our embryos. During our WTF appt. with the DR. after IVF #1 fail, she said she would mandate it this time around. Doing so would reveal if the reason for the failure(s) is abnormal chromosomes/embryos (as opposed to 'guessing' why).

We researched it on the internet. I read blogs related to PGD. Stark & I talked about it then talked about it some more.

PROS:

• test for certain genetic diseases (testing on 9 - the most common - of the 23)


• eliminate those that come back as "abnormal" which in theory will:


• increase chance for pregnancy


• decrease risk of miscarriage

CONS:

• could destroy the embryo
• embryo may not make it to day 5
• all embryos could come back as abnormal so nothing to transfer
• not 100% accurate - could produce a false positive (abnormal may actually be normal & vice versa)

As of 8:30am this morning, Stark's opinion was to say No. It's not a perfect science & there are no guarantees either way. My opinion was ... I just couldn't make up my mind. Dozens of thoughts clouded my brain. And they went back & forth: PGD is available for a reason; experts seem to agree to only do it if there are at least 6 embryos (I have 5); what if I transfer abnormal embies & my child(ren) has Down's or another disease & I have to choose to abort - I could have prevented this agonizing scenario; what if the embies are tested, but are damaged; what if the PGD comes back as abnormal, but they really aren't - it was just that one cell (not that I would ever know).

I was hoping Nancy would call & tell me that PGD can't be done b/c the embies don't even have enough cells. Decision made for me. Of course, that would mean my embies are not growing great. Catch 22!!! I was driving home after I dropped Stark at work & Nancy called. The embryologist was standing with her & needed to know my decision. I told her I just didn't know - it's just so hard. She told me that Dr. ML wanted the PGD for a reason - so we have an answer why the IVF(s) haven't worked. Secretly, I wondered if that was more for her own benefit than mine. Seems like she was more curious than me. Anyway, I asked Nancy if any thought had been given to the fact that this is our last attempt at IVF so why not just throw caution to the wind, transfer them & see if they stick. She said yes, I could do that, but I take the chance one or more are abnormal & have a genetically deformed baby. Am I ok with that? I fell silent. This is all too heavy. She told me to talk to Stark & she'd call me back. I called him. He reiterated his opinion, but said it was ultimately my decision and he would support & love me no matter what. We hung up & I broke down. I sobbed in an empty parking lot. How can I be expected to make such a huge, impactful decision? I am not a medical expert. I am just a woman who wants to have a biological baby. THIS IS AN UNFAIR BURDEN. It all comes down to me saying yes or no. The weight of it all is painful. What if I make the wrong decision - I have no one to blame but myself. What do I do? Oh my God. Please help.

All of a sudden I had a thought enter my head & it wouldn't leave: "I would never forgive myself if I never gave my embies the chance to implant & grow in my body, in my womb". Not a minute later, my phone rang. It was Nancy. She said hello & I said "we are not going to do it". Rather than ask why or try to talk me into it, she said 'ok' in a very accepting way. Thank goodness - I couldn't have handled ambush tactics plus it was comforting to know they respected my decision. I was under the impression that if PGD was not done, they would be transferred today. However, she informed me we were still going to wait until Friday for a 5 day transfer so they could pick the best of the best to put back in me. After all "we don't think you need all 5". Ha ha - what a joke. So I reminded her of last time - that 4 were put back & it was negative. She immediately said "these look a lot better than the ones from last time". I replied "well, at least that's something". I hope she wasn't blowing sunshine for my benefit. On the other hand, I don't care. I take everything they say now with a grain of salt. I was/am drained. I had the day off, but was going to work as to not waste a day. Stark called to check on me. I cried again. I talked of everything finally coming to a boil .. the shots, the monitoring appts, the ER, the PGD. He suggested I take a mental day. So I did. And I read blogs about successful IVF #2s. And I watched soap operas. And I slept. And my best friend texted me for an update - she once again proved how undeserving I am of her extraordinary friendship.

Now I'm feeling better. Stark said, no matter what, no blame can be put on anyone or anything. We just have to let it all happen. I have to believe him. I'm struggling with not second guessing myself, but I wouldn't be me if I weren't analyzing something.

Day 16 - Manure

a.k.a. fertilization report:

8 eggs

6 mature

5 fertilized (with ICSI)


I admit I was less than thrilled with 5, but all I can think is: it is what it is - nothing I can do to change it. So I can be depressed or I can be thankful for the ones we do have. OMG, wait! I think that's what's called positive thinking ... wow! Feels good.


Next update is Wednesday morning. At that point, we'll know if it's a 3 day or 5 day transfer. Oh - and Phil & I have to decide whether we are going to do PGD (depending on # of cells). Oi vey.

Day 15 - Scrambled Eggs

At approximately 9:45am today, I had 8 eggs sucked out of my 8 follies. Of course, it didn't start that way. When I woke up, the nurse said "there are 4 & they're still counting". Exsqueeze me? Did the doctor skip math class in first grade? Did they fall on the floor so now they're scrambling (um, no pun intended) to find them?

They brought Stark back & I start jabbering about 'only 4'. Before I could properly freak out, i.e., muster the energy, the nurse is back with the 8 count. I was finally able to breathe. I didn't want to be greedy, but this is my final hoorah & I've got an old ovary ... I need as many eggs as possible !!!

I'm in no pain. I've been sleeping most of the day & eating like a cow. Oh and a lot of - TMI ALERT - diarrhea. I have no idea why. Good times.

Now the wait for the fertilization report tomorrow. And If I haven't said it lately, thank you for all the comments of support & encouragement. All of you make this journey bearable.

Day 13 - Got HCG?

Today was my last monitoring appt - woo f'n hoo !!! The eight follies grew enough to make me trigger tonight @ 9:30pm for retrieval on Sunday @ 9:00am.

Follies: 2.0, 1.8, 2 @ 1.7, 3 @ 1.6, 1.5
E2: no idea
Lining: 13.1

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my pea sized brain, but am too tired to process them & put them into actual words. Maybe tomorrow.. after sleeping late (hopefully!) & the downtown rib/bbq festival.

Just fyi - I can't believe I'm one day closer to transfer.. holy chit!

Day 12 - Aint No Stoppin' Us Now

Had yet another date with the needle & wand. Still have 8 follies & they are steadily growing. Planning to trigger tomorrow night.. holy moly roly poly cannoli ravioli !!!

Follies: 1.8, 3 @ 1.6, 1.5, 2 @ 1.4, 1.3
E2: 1482

Before I could even react or say anything, Nancy said this cycle is better than last at this point; because even though I have less follies, the ones this time around are consistent in size & growth. Supposedly this can indicate better quality. Well, I'll believe it when I get a BFP. Yeh, I have a skepticism problem. Can anyone blame me? :)

You Like Me. You Really, Really Like Me!

I am the proud recepient of an award. I'd like to thank Amy @ http://www.blogger.com/profile/18429595470734860049 - and I think someone else gave it to me although I can't remember who and for that, I am so very sorry! :(

Rules:

1. You can only use one word! (excuse me when I cheat!)

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Survey

1. Where is your cell phone? side table

2. Your hair? my favorite feature

3. Your mother? heaven

4. Your father? strong

5. Your favorite food? steak

6. Your dream last night? none

7. Your favorite drink? screwdriver

8. Your dream/goal? momma

9. What room are you in? den

10. Your hobby? watching college football

11. Your fear? not giving birth to a biological child

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? sending my child to kindergarten

13. Where were you last night? home

14. Something that you aren’t? skinny

15. Muffins? bleh

16. Wish list item? bambino

17. Where did you grow up? southwest GA

18. Last thing you did? inject Gonal-F

19. What are you wearing? t-shirt

20. Your TV? flatscreen

21. Your pets? nada

22. Friends? lifelines

23. Your life? limbo

24. Your mood? ready

25. Missing someone? momma

26. Vehicle? beemer

27. Something you’re not wearing? bra

28. Your favorite store? old navy

29. Your favorite color? red

30. When was the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? negative beta (ivf #1)

32. Your best friend? theresa & mike

33. One place that I go to over and over? RE office

34. One person who e-mails me regularly? boss

35. Favorite place to eat? bones (it's a steakhouse, I swear)

Most blogs I read have already gotten this award, but one I don't think has is.....

http://www.playgroupmaterial.blogspot.com/

(forgive my links - my technical skills are seriously lacking)

Day 11 - The Little Engine That Could

Another day, another b/w & u/s appt. Apparently my follies listened to my pep talk because I now have 8, up 2 in two days...whew! I had begun to accept & embrace that 6 would be the final count then lo & behold, a couple more decided to join this par-tay.

Follies: 1.6, 1.5, 4 @ 1.4, 1.3, 1.2
E2: 941

I was hoping to trigger tomorrow since that's when my Gonal-F runs out, however it looks like it will be Friday. That means I have to order one more box for approx. $395. Of course, I'll do whatever it takes, but my oh my is my savings account bleeding. Profusely. And there's no transfusion in sight.

"I think I can. I think I can. I KNOW I can!"

Day 9 - Six is the Magic Number

At least I hope so b/c the tech found 6 measureable follies (13, 12, 11 (2), 10 (2) ) & some smaller ones. Words can't even express the relief I felt when she said "we have progress!". Nancy was giddy with the results as was Stark while I was less than thrilled. Hello! last time I had 10. Am I the only one who thinks less is not more? Her take is this is better b/c I don't have any dominant follies - they're all about the same size, growing at the same pace. Evidently, that could indicate better quality and say it with me --- "quality is better than quantity". Eh.

Looks like trigger will be Thursday or Friday for retrieval on Saturday or Sunday. That timing couldn't be better as Stark starts a new job on Monday which means he absolutely cannot take time off. Oh, it also means I will have to go to transfer alone (God willing we get that far). I might ask my stepmom or best friend to go. I told him maybe it will bring us better luck this time if he's not there. I kid, I kid. Sort of.

My next appt. isn't until Wednesday. Come on you stinkin' follies....I just spent another $700 for more Gonal-F. Go forth & prosper!!!

Day 7 - Slow Ride, Take It Easy

Today was my 1st u/s & b/w after starting full stims. Long story short, it appears I have 7-8 developing follies (remember, I have only 1 ovary), but they are not quite big enough to actually measure. Wha? This can't be good b/c I remember them measuring fine the last time around on this day. So I meet with the nurse and immediately ask "should I be depressed?" She emphatically says no, some women just respond slower. Maybe the difference is I was on Estrace last cycle before stimming which gave me a jump start.

Got a call back this afternoon from the nurse. After talking to Dr. ML, I am to stay on the same amount of meds plus I get to skip out my appt. tomorrow. I am determined to try this "stay positive --- look at the bright side of things" philosophy I've heard so much about. But Lord help me if they aren't measureable when I go back on Monday.... :)

Day 5 - Not Feelin' It

I am so not feeling like I have follies growing. The first time around on IVF #1, I felt this way & had only 3; thus it was cancelled. The second time around on IVF #1, I really felt the affects of the hormones & had 8; thus it was not cancelled. I'm just not feeling positive - and it started with the stupid 6 antral follie count at my baseline. Ugh...I sound like Deb.bie Down.er, but if I know my body like I think I do then I am prepared (well, as much as my heart will allow) for bad news. My next appt. is Saturday morning & I'll be utterly shocked if my ovary is doing its' thing. Please let me be wrong!

Damn you, infertility. Damn you to hell.